Sunday, February 21, 2010

Fear

It is tangible. Sometimes. It is human nature. An inherent trait. Some fear less. And then some are like me. Afraid of the thought of a grey cloud, in the happiest of times. Add to it some scepticism. Some cynicism. That's fear to me. Fear of missing that one step while humming nonchalantly down the stairs. Of never finding my feet on solid ground, while afloat in water. Of those few seconds of free fall while bungee jumping. Of not doing things right. Of not saying the right things. Fear of the sudden anger and the words that come out with it. Of forgetting the person who's so dear today. Of crying, just to find that there's no shoulder to hold on to. Fear of not telling people how much they mean while you have the time. Of knowing that I cannot turn back time. Neither can you. Someday someone will go so far, I won't be able to reach them. Some one will walk away. Loneliness is not scary. I fear they'll never know how much I cared.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Sunshine

This is an apology. A post for Sunshine. My reason for many a smiles. Why the apology? Because am such a goof up! And I really don't think there is an instant cure for that. So the post and the apology. :) I keep talking about my friends in my blogs. Why not! They make me the person that I am. Good or bad..you can go ahead and blame them! :) They are my best critics. So if I have a mean trait, blame my friends for not pointing it out to me. :)

I digressed. I'll get back to my original line of thought. So there are these two weeks in January, when living in Delhi is pretty close to hell. The days are hazy and bone chilling cold. The brain freezes and refuses to function. And then suddenly, there is this one day when the sun does come out. And when you stand outside and the sun rays warm you up..in a way that can only be felt..thats the kind of warmth Sunshine gets into my world. :) Just that with her, there's no winter. No season. She's like that. Everyday. The problem is that I can't cure her winters. I am cold at times. Selfish at times. Nice, only sometimes. And so the apology.

She is reticent. She judges. But she cares. Not the in-your-face kind of affection, but the 'I got your back..no matter what you do' kind of affection. That's my safety net. This kind of safety brings with it a kind of recklessness. Blaming my stupidities on her patience for my idiosyncrasies is a cheap stunt. I know. Told you am not so nice. Every time I tell myself I'll be more responsible, I end up on the wrong path. I err. She smiles and forgets. Someday I'll stop erring. For now, the apology.

I have come to realise that I mention Ma in almost all my posts. So I'll stick to the norm. The other day Ma and I were discussing marriage. It is amazing how often we talk about it..knowing very well that such discussions are quite pointless. She expressed concern about how I haven't liked a guy yet. I told her that the most amazing people I know are women. The gender being the catch. They set very high benchmarks and no guy has yet matched up to those high standards. :) Needless to say, Ma completely ignored my wisecrack. But, I did mean it!

So Sunshine. This post is for you. To tell you that kick my ass. Give me an earful. Am improving as I write. Day by day. It will take some time. Till then, stay on. The eccentricities and insanity won't go away. The irresponsibility will. Soon. For now, bring on the daily dosage of 'moron' and 'scoun'. They keep me on track! Love ya! :*

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Random happiness

I got my toes in the water, ass in the sand 
Not a worry in the world, a cold beer in my hand 
Life is good today. Life is good today... 

Some song by Zac Brown Band that I have been humming since morning. Please don't take the lines literally. I am not drinking beer..not in the morning atleast! :D Its my state of mind. Not a worry in the world. :) I am a cause for worry..to Ma atleast. But in my mindspace, its like the joys of spring and autumn put together. Ma is still waiting for the day when I'll take life seriously. I do. But not today. Not now. Not when am sitting in my room, listening to music and smiling goofily. For no reason at all! Or for so many odd reasons that I stopped counting. :)

Dada says 'More choices..more thoughts'. That's his reply to my perennial confusion about everything. Have been getting the 'High time you should get married' talk with alarming frequency. From expected and unexpected corners. But dada says 'Enjoy your freedom'. :) In a family of perfectionists, he allows me to not worry about my eccentricities and flaws. He is the benchmark of good behaviour. The  perfect son. He can do no wrong. It's comforting to hear from him that its okay to err. At times. I think that kind of freedom keeps one grounded. Keeps me rooted.  So today I shall enjoy my freedom. Tomorrow maybe, I'll be a li'l more serious. Like Ma keeps saying - I'll give settling down a thought.

I'll need a new post to talk about dada's impending marriage. :) Its almost ten months away and the Shome family is already kicking up a storm. :D But na, not here. Some other post for that. 

Am full of contradictions. So much so that my thoughts also change directions at an alarming rate! On one of my hopelessly jobless days, I was thinking how time has flown by. Two years of MBA. They just whizzed by. Then last week I realised how time has stood still. Change is not the only constant. I met a friend after almost a decade and it felt like yesterday. We are both still full of utter nonsense, and yet we make perfect sense to each other. Everyone should have a couple of such friends. The constants in your life. When life overwhelms you in a good or a bad way, an earful of abuses from them is all you need to sing the song I have been singing all day long. :) So when I am being my irritating self, and Sam and Divs say - f*** you bong!....I smile and think of an entire decade spent with them. I wish everyone had that kinda luck! No sarcasm here :)

As I hum, am thinking of the good times. Of snow capped mountains and friends sipping brandy. Of a new job at a not-so-new place. Of partying till late into the night and then heading out for coffee just to see the sunrise. Of conversations meaningless and meaningful. Of waking up with that warm feeling.

Yeah...Life is good today! :) :)