For you Ma..

For you, I'd walk a thousand miles,

Coz you walked with me through the highs and lows

For you, I'd smile through the rainy days,

Coz you told me that they eventually go away

For you, I'd change my unruly ways,

Coz I want to deserve the pride with which you talk about me

For you, I'd achieve the goals you set

Coz I believe everything you say is right

For you, I'd learn to cook like a dream

Coz anything less won't do justice to what I have grown up with

For you, I close my eyes and believe in God

Coz you told me that He exists

For you, I do everything Ma

And still I am a shadow of what you are

For you, I am the way I am

It is for you that I exist..

Happy Birthday Ma!

Aaj akele rehna hai..

I want to be alone today. No small talk. No long conversations. I don't want to think today. About good things and bad. I want to go out on a walk. Alone. I want to carry my book to a coffee shop and sit and read. I need a coffee shop without people. Because today is a day when I don't understand why people need people. We are good alone. I want to listen to music today. Not the kind of music that reminds me of people around me. But the kind that just stays in the background and drowns out all the noise. I want to write that letter I have been willing myself to write for such along time. Because letters are good. They are conversations where I have all the say. I want to go running. I don't want to play. That takes two people. Don't judge me. It's just the day. I am not anti-social, atleast most of the times. I like being around people. But not today. Today I am best left alone.

Sometimes..

Sometimes you should just say it. The exact words you wanted to. To the people you love. To the friends you missed so much that you hated them for it. To the people you have wronged. Small words. Sorry. I love you. I missed you. How difficult can it be? Don't beat around the bush. Don't think they know. No one does. Till you say it. Eyes don't talk. Silence doesn't mean a yes. A smile doesn't convey everything. Actions are not louder than words.

Sometimes you should not hesitate. You should take that first step. Because sometimes that's all that's needed. Just do your bit. Not always. Just sometimes...

Home!

Home. I love it. Everything about it. The word itself has so much warmth. I just need to close my eyes and think of home and so many images flash by. The old house with the big garden. Sundays spent with baba, washing the old Maruti 700. Getting thoroughly drenched in the process. Showing off to dada how well I could wash the tyres. And to ma's horror, walking in the kitchen in that wet state with my Bata flip-flops making an imprint as I walked around, scavenging for food. Evenings spent helping ma water the plants. Trying to learn how to trim the plants, but my impatience always got the better of me. I would run away with the water hose and try to make my part of the world dust free. :)

There was a huge mango tree in the garden. Some weird mixed breed of mangoes with which ma used to make world's most amazing pickle. Thanks to that tree, mango season used to subject our house and car to ample stone pelting. Baba's fury used to be on a roll during that time. There were a pair of mongoose who used to live in our garden, next to the drain. Ma used to say they keep away the snakes. That made me like those two weird scrawny creatures.

There were rules. Ma made them. Ma implemented them. Baba used to spoil us. Days started early. An hour of sleep after school, and we were sent to play. Six pm was curfew time. I remember doing sit-ups for being five minutes late. Ma's a teacher and she treated us no differently. We never interrupted when elders spoke. We never argued with elders. Idiot and stupid were taboo words (so they were said behind closed doors while we siblings fought it out). We used to get ten bucks a month as pocket money. I think it was revamped to fifty when we reached eighth standard.

I was an introvert when I was small. Still am in some ways. Complete bookworm. Ma used to teach dada in the evenings. I would sit by the side with my book, looking out for some attention. There was this huge book of bedtime stories. Ma used to read it out to me every night and then put me to sleep. Thakuma had her own set of stories. Stories that these English authors can't compare to. Because they were magically woven out of thin air, depending on the request I made.

Holidays meant seeing ma do pujo in the morning. Hot breakfast and He-Man on TV. We did move on to other equally juvenile shows as we grew up. The Golden ice-cream wala knew our holidays. He would yell out extra loudly on those days in front of our gate. And we would plead. Somedays we would hit the jackpot and get a Chocobar, other days we used to be content with an orange candy.

Heavy rains used to fill up the space in front of the porch with water. We would run out to get wet. Be ready with our boats. Be jealous of the kids who were allowed to run free on the roads. But we would revel in our space. Cross our fingers that a rainy day would be declared in school. The lyrics that come back to me time and again is cliched..but perfect..

वो मासूम चाहत की तस्वीर अपनी,

वो ख्वाबों खिलौनों की जागीर अपनी,

ना दुनिया का गम था, ना रिश्तों का बंधन,

बड़ी खूबसूरत थी वो ज़िन्दगानी.....

वो कागज़ की कश्ती, वो बारिश का पानी....

There is actually no end to the million things that come to my mind when I think of home. We have moved on from that house to an apartment. Its not the same, but it still is home. The warmth is still there in every nook and corner, because its not the bricks and mortar but ma and baba who define home to me. Dada and I have moved on to far away places. Rare are the occasions when we get together. Memories are all that binds us together. Hats off to the two people who have given us this rock solid support to hold on to, in times good and bad. Hats off to ma and baba. I had said this before..that if I could be even 10% of what they are, I would be exceptional!

Sinking in..

28^th September, 2009

Place – Sampoorn Kranti train (somewhere in Bihar)`

I really should stop cribbing. Yes, my seat is such that only my size can fit in. That too, barely. There is an infant sitting next to me whose shrill voice even my ipod can’t drown. There is a lecherous guy sitting in front of me, who is staring away to glory with his beady eyes. And now that I have written all this, I feel better. J I am listening to Iktara. I remember telling someone that there are songs which I put in the genre of ‘travelling songs’. You know, the ones which go along with the rhythm of the train. This is one of them. Cliched but Denver’s ‘Country road, take me home’ also fits the bill perfectly. And so does Annie’s song.

Something about these long journeys alone, that makes me take stock of my life. Not in a very serious where am I headed way. But just, in a lighter ‘I am glad my life is the way it is’ way. J Sam got married. Divs says she almost feels orphaned. So do I. Sri and I still have that deal with Sam about living in her attic. That’s how its always been. She takes care of us. Cooks for us. Spoils us and then gives us an earful for all the mischief that we are perpetually upto. This is what we are used to, what I am used to. There is this comfort which comes with inertia, and its so hard to let go of it. I remember Sam making it a point to meet the guy I was going out with for dinner and asking him to drop me at a decent hour. Poor Gajju dropped me home diligently, well before time. J I still am scared of her. Always will be. I guess it happens when you adore someone so much. Sri was right, not even an MBA can cure that. Probably, I’ll teach my kids better.

So that’s a change. A big one. So big that I can’t even begin to put down in words. It will take a while for this to sink in. Till then, I shall stay in my comfy world where the mental image is still of school days, of phuchkas bought with borrowed money, of bombs in the bathroom, of bunking lectures to sit in the home science room to discuss movies, of getting caught for pranks we did and even those we weren’t a part of, of friends so close that not meeting them for even a day seemed insane. That was almost eight years back, and yet I choose to ignore the years in between and pretend that nothing’s changed.

Moving on, this year was the year of extremes. Extreme happiness, many teary eyed days, some of the best laid plans went awry and then again, life threw in a fair share of pleasant surprises and happy moments. Its comfy to know that the worst days pass eventually and just as scary to realize that happiness is shortlived.

I could write about Sunshine, but talking about her would take another post altogether. More about that later. For now, yes life is different. Different from what it was a few months back. In ways good and bad. But that’s always the case. I like it this way. Gives me ample opportunities to crib my heart out. But every night, before I sleep off, I thank my stars that there is something good around. With this thought, I drift off. More later!

So Blue!

It is one of those days. People call it a blue day. Don't know why. Always liked the colour blue. Nothing wrong with it. Grey would have been more like it. But you get what I mean to say. Its a Saturday. Am at home, with my family after a very long time. It is Durga Pujo, the one festival that gives Bengalis a high, even alcohol can't match upto. And still, I feel low. And I don't know why.

So I try to cure it. I call up friends. Ones who make me smile instantly with their wisecracks. Even though most are on me. I hear about their fun times, their stories, plans for the day. And the moron that I am, I am not happy for them. Don't judge me. Blame it on the day.

Its one of those days that make me think of the people I lost out on. Friends who walked away. I miss them. Not that I would change anything. Because things are the way they are, for a reason. But I think of them. In those odd moments when I stare in space. And the space throws back a fun moment with them. A joke shared with them. And I smile. Smile about the eccentricities. And then the grey feeling takes over.

Life shouldn't be about lost friends, lost moments, unsaid words...what could have been..what should have been. Life's what's happening now. As I write these lines. This place I call home. Those people who are still around. The smiles that still get me through the day. The voices that make me feel warm. So I fight this feeling. For those who walked away, I survive without you. But I still think about you. For those who stayed, I love you all. Unconditionally. You know I do.

Tomorrow will be a new day. A happier day. And I will write again. About happier times. About the insanity that comes with being me. And I realise with every day, that that's me. Eccentric, weird, crazy, lazy, happy, sad, mean, selfish....sometimes all at once..sometimes one at a time. For those who know me, don't say I didn't warn you.

And for the long blue day.....even this shall pass!

I miss Infy!

Thought I'll never say this..but even after a year of quitting the company.. I miss Infy! So this post is dedicated to my swthrts there :) While leaving, I had written this weirdass poem (if it qualifies for a poem, that is!). Putting it up here, because that just about summarizes everyone I knew and how I knew them..

The Farewell Poem

My last day in Infy

And all I can say is - Hum ja rahe hai J

Yaad aayega Aetinfo and all the fun we had,

The DumbC, the pictionary, the umpteen coffee breaks..

Jinme karte the hum time barbaad

Yaad aayega Gujju ka overusage of the word 'fuck',

Inke pockets se paise nikaalna, bhaisaab! …hai sheer luck!

Eklauta infy ka banda, jiska income tax kat ta hai zero,

Sala humko bhi bata deta kuch trade secret, hero!

Yaad aayega Thousand oaks ka wo Long Island Ice Tea,

Jiska 10 ml kar deta hai gujju ko bilkul high and happy!

Kar lena ek sushil gujju ladki se shaadi agle saal,

Ummed hai koi daarubaaz charsi mile..

phir hum poochenge tumhare haal! :D

Yaad aayega Ladha ka sachha pyaar,

Arre nahi bhai..gullu nahi..hum apni baat kar rahe the yaar!

Don't ever quit Infy meri jaan,

Mar jayenge yahan ke ladke aur ladkiyan…

palat palat ke dekhenge kise ye subah shaam!

I have quit drinking..I have quit non-veg,

Ye kehte kehte sabse pehle large vodka order karti hai ye angrez!

Accent inki bhaari hai, Aur Hindi bilkul Bihari hai,

But, all in all, ye bestest dost hamari hai J

Yaad aayega Sir (Mayank) ke paintre hazaar,

Sala pata bhi nahi chalta tha, aur daant ke nikal leta tha baar baar!

Sawaal poochna was a one way road to the inquisitorial squad..

Firing range pe khada kar ke, kar deta tha barbaad!

Phatichar Jokes ki MB karta hai ye,

Reetu, tum kuch samjhaati kyu nahi ho ise!!

Ab soch liya hai ki karenge aapko hi emulate,

Sabki itni lenge, ho jayenge sab frustrate :D

Bahut kuch sikhaane ke liye thank you Sir,

No formalities, kuch emotions genuine hai yahan par J

Yaad aayega Gurmeet ka bachpan,

Oh! What the hell! He is still ten plus one!

Ladkiyon se 'only friendship' ki aas lagaye baithe hai,

Ab to KG ke bachhe bhi inse aage nikal gaye hai!

Sutta sun ke kaan band karta hai ye 'cool dude',

Phir, dekhta hai back to back American Pie, to prove his manlihood! :P

'Ok' iska favourite word hai,

Aur itna khaata hai, isiliye is desh mein anaaj kam hai!

Aur kaafi kuch bol sakte hai hum,

But I believe he will get genuinely bummed :D

Good luck with the 'Harsimrats' of Chandigarh,

Hamein bhi time to time yaad karte rehna par..

Yaad aayega Pallav ka baar baar bolna 'sahi hai',

Even then, jab inka dhyaan hamari baton mein nahi hai J

Perpetually ladkiyon ki khayalon mein doobe rehte the,

Saamne ek khidki mili thi, usi ke lutf lete rehte the!

Phir aaya inki zindagi mein sachha pyaar,

Aur ye aur gurmeet ban gaye kaafi (stress kiya jaaye is shabd pe) gehre yaar! :D

Doodh ke dhule hue hai, atleast that's what he claims

Pub mein jakar sutta aur daaru! Shame shame! J

Tumhare liye bas itna hi saxena,

Delhi aa kar mile nahi to khoob pitoge, dekh lena!

Yaad aayega NCR,

Kyuki Pulkit ke pass, yahan ke kisse the dus hazaar!

Delhi posting, Java development project, biwi se shaadi..

We all wonder..kab aayegi inki zingai mein khush haali!

Ab to SCJP likh do bhai,

Hum sab sure hai tum score karoge pretty high! [:D]

Jaate jaate hamara pyaar bhara advice,

Kam crib karo saale, it's a very big vice!

Yaad aayega Sid's initial silence,

Ghanto gayab rehte the janaab,

Sab sochte the..Kaam karte kab the aap?! J

Hamare saamne, a man of few words he is,

Phir Gurmeet ko gyaan kya dete rehte ho..hamein bhi batao please ;)

Good luck for onsite dude…

I hope, jald se jald, you travel that route!

Yaad aayega Mr. Workaholic Sreenivas Rao Chennamsetty

Inka sabse bada darr, office se jaldi chutti na ho jaaye kahi! J

Measures ka to post mortem kar diya hai isne,

Jis din chutti pe hota, Meera/Manali ka dil lagta hai baithne :D

Sabka chaheta hai hamara Sreeni,

Kaam karna aur khaana hai inki destiny!

Shakl to hai bilkul sharifo wala,

Par ye bhi karta hai kaafi ghotala!

Kehta hai ‘what is the need for girlfriend! I need my space!’

I hope kabhi to ye karega zindagi ki realities ko face J

Its been a year in IIFT and its a whole lot of fun...but still, I keep looking back..and when i do look back, these people give me a hundred reasons to smile! :)